Pictured: Me and Ranger pup (Jan.), Sam and I at VU playing pool (Jan.), Em's 21st birthday (Feb.)
I missed February. I aimed to do this blog once a month. It's specifically on my goals for 2021 to update this blog once (1) every month (bare minimum). I missed it. I'd like to say I had an excuse but I honestly don't. Every time I felt compelled to write it got too late and I decided I would rather sit and simmer with my thoughts.
But, the time has come, nearly a week into March and I decided it's time for an update. Life has been incredibly hectic, but I think the important thing to note is that I've kept it together. I have to give myself credit for that. Although not ideal, I have managed to put all my time and creativity into my internships, school, and plans for the future. It hasn't been fun but it has been worth it.
I'd like to say the last few months have flown by but that would be a lie. Sometimes the weeks go incredibly fast and other times the days drag on and I feel like I'm never going to escape the chaos and anxiety I feel up until I fall asleep.
I've spent much of my time either working to escape my head or working to calm myself down. I'd say it's a vicious cycle. One thing to be sure of, I've spent plenty of my time feeling anxious about friends, family, and work. I've spent hours at my desk questioning my worth. Wondering when the chaos is going to end. Questioning when I can breath and function like a real person again.
I don't think I'll really get that any time soon. I think I've lost my positive outlook when I've dwelled so long in the present circumstances of graduate classes and internship opportunities. I am so grateful for being able to maintain my work and the opportunities I am presented but I still struggle to find peace on the day-to-day when I'm constantly thinking.
Which brings me to my next point! My head is a crazy place. Thoughts run wild and sometimes they're so cohesive I impress myself with my line of thought and other times I feel like they're drowning me in nonsense. I'm working incredibly hard to come to terms with how my brain works and how to use it to my benefit, but it has been a hard-wrought path. I'm learning.
So despite this post being angsty, a little life update that's not full of much SUBSTANCE, I will say I am incredibly grateful for the last few months and the few joys it brought. SO LETS GO!
January: Oh my gosh, the chaos of a new school year! What a terror! I immediately jumped into all my work with so much stress and anxiety that first week I simply do not know how I survived. But I DID! And I got myself on a consistent schedule and really found a rhythm with my internships that month. Much of my time was spent regretting quitting my job though, missing the people I saw every day and missing a consistent schedule. I spent some days talking to no one. I spent other days at different coffee shops with some of my friends. I got to see one of my best friends consistently for the first time in years before she left for Colorado and it brought me so much joy. I found clarity this month as well. I've dwelled in my thoughts and self-perception so much this past year. I really let myself go this month. I lost a lot of confidence but gained an abundance of time to find clarity in who I am and the people in my life (both past and present).
February: I worked. SO much it kind of feels like a waste of a month. I spent so much of this month feeling sad and sorry for myself. Which isn't fair to anyone who knows me. There is so much joy and comfort to be found when times get hard. I haven't ever had a good February. I feel as though I might as well get comfortable with the discomfort this month always brings. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I finally got to go see a movie in theaters, the first since Star Wars in January of last year. The days began to get warmer and I gained some hope back. I started really hitting my stride with my internships and workload. I had a couple super fun nights out with my best friends. I became incredibly close with my neighbors and their group of friends, a blessing in this final year of college. I am so lucky to have met such a great group so late into college, and they always allow me to feel included and respected. I have the greatest best friends, who make me feel special and worth it even when I don't deserve it sometimes. I'm trying to get comfortable with the discomfort of change and the discomfort of losing important people in my life. February was a month of disappointments. A heavy work load and a lack of friendship hurt a bit. Some people I thought I'd have in my life forever I may never see after this summer. It's become a tough thing to process and not be devastatingly disappointed by. But that's life! People come and go. I am so blessed with the people I have found who pull me up from the harder times and keep me pushing towards the sunshine. Its coming. March is finally here, after all.
This past month I had the pleasure to talk to an abundance of important people for little word studio. I have also had the joy of weird moments with strangers that make my week (insert the kid singing Whiskey Glasses while I got my blood drawn). Communicating with others and meeting new people is what drives me, and I know I need to make that a priority for myself this coming month. New friendships, new people, new stories, and incredible adventures, even if I have to push myself into discomfort. Don't push for people who won't push for you. Put yourself first when you have to, and cherish the great days when they come. They can be so rare when life is on the cusp of great change!
So fingers crossed for March. It's already the 5th and I have high hopes. I hope for happiness and a more reassuring and promising post at the end of this month! For now though, here's some sap and some angst for your Friday night. My apologies.
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