Pictured: Olivia and I on Saint Patrick's day (Mar. 17), solo shot at Luke Bryan's Rooftop Bar in Nashville (Mar. 26th), myself and the crew also at Luke's in Nashville (Mar.27th)
I actually have been ecstatic to write this blog post but haven't had the time the last couple of days. But the time has finally arrived and I have made it to my designated free time where I still make myself work on personal projects. That's okay though! Because for once this blog doesn't feel like an extra burden.
For the first time in three months, I've finally felt like a real person. Now, today specifically, I've felt a little more "off" then I have in the last three weeks, but not every day can be absolutely magical. I've found a lot of magic in the small moments the past few weeks now that I feel as though I've pulled myself out of a massive slump. March was a ditch. March was the WORST. And I can say what I will about February always putting me off (see last blog post), but March's are always the time where I turn my life around and focus on the impending summer. Not so much this time around.
To be brutally honest, to the eight people that have or will read this, I struggled harder then I think I ever have this past month. I spent so much time trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I didn't feel like a normal human being after so long. I started going to psychiatry and therapy because I knew it would be helpful but that quickly turned into a pretty bad experience. My therapist is an absolute icon and should be protected at all costs. And absolutely no hate to my psychiatrist but dear lord, I should not have been put on or stuck with Lexapro. I felt like a shell of a human being for so many weeks. I didn't look forward to hanging out with friends or anything good happening each day. I wasn't super proud of my work and was barely finishing the bare minimum each day. I wouldn't leave my house for fear something bad would happen.
I started having panic attacks for the first time since senior year of high school (give or take a couple months). Mostly they involve a lot of heavy breathing and an absolute terror to exist for a few hours, but it made my every move an absolute nightmare. Days were getting longer and harder and I started dreading absolutely anything that might occur that was out of the ordinary. CycleBar classes gave me stress, my body refused to get me up in the morning and my grades plummeted. I traveled to Nashville, my dream city, and spent most of the trip absolutely terrified that I was upsetting everyone by my choices, my actions, my every move. Literally freaked out in Luke Bryan's (post middle picture) to the point where I spent about an hour crying in the bathroom and in the following Uber ride. I remember just repeating to my friends that I felt "crazy, absolutely bonkers" like 100 times that night. I felt like I had taken a dive into the worst of my anxiety. I couldn't drink on the medication without getting sick so I spent much of that weekend sober (not like its a bad thing but boy, I wish I could've had SOMETHING).
Either way, life was a nightmare. I ended up hitting a boiling point the following week with some friendship issues and ended up packing up and leaving (a point my therapist loves to focus on is my escapism). I spent my actual 22nd birthday with my family and my best friend from home. I needed that break so badly because it helped me realize that what was happening to me this past month was NOT normal. I talked to my mom, I talked to my best friend, I came back to South Carolina and talked to my friends here. And I finally talked to my psychiatrist, who told me to come off Lexapro because it was quite literally ruining my life.
But now we're at the good part, right? Well, kind of. Two days after I got off the Lexapro (let it be known, this was early April, not March), I felt like myself again. Absolutely crazy how fast things can change for the better. I started seeing the great parts of every day. I started loving to be alone with myself again. I began eating more than one meal a day. I began communicating with friends again and putting myself first. I began WANTING to put myself first.
I think every year gets harder as we age. I've come to terms with my own aging and growth and trying to not react so sharply when my emotions or others are on the line. While I was home I had a pretty big falling out with my father (again). Down here in South Carolina, I seem to be in the midst of losing quite a few friends due to arguments, leaving, this that and the other. And I desperately want to pick up and leave, go travel for a couple months, let go of all the people here that are causing me so much stress. But that isn't life. Just because something doesn't go my way doesn't mean I just up and leave. It also doesn't mean that I have to profusely apologize and fix things with myself 100% of the time. Sometimes some issues I have to face will not be my fault. Most of the time they are, but sometimes they aren't.
So with that, I think the important point I'd like to end on is that I am the only person I can control. My emotions are mine to feel, my reactions are my response to the conflict I am facing, and my feelings are not to be rebuked by others. But now that I am back on track and I trust how I feel again, I know my feelings are REAL, my reactions are VALID, and my emotions are SOUND.
I have so much I am looking forward to this next month, including job opportunities with incredible companies, vacations with family and friends, and end of semester shenanigans with the people that stood by my side through even my worst month. I could not be more grateful for the people I have in my life and the support I have been given this past month, and I cannot wait to see what the next few months hold!
I'll update: HOPEFULLY by the end of April!
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